Recently, I had a breakthrough in my understanding of what we need and what helps when we get emotionally hijacked. It was 3:10 as I drove to the gym, knowing my wife and I were going to hang out with friends at 4:00. I wanted to work out for 30 minutes which would get me home by 3:45. I have a lifelong habit of trying to fit more into a window of time than I can. That in itself would be worth exploring. For another time. As I approached the gym, I had a moment of decision-do I cram in the workout, hurry home to get ready, and hopefully get out the door by 4:10 or, do I drive past the gym, get home by 3:20 and have plenty of time to get ready to leave by 4? I decided on the latter and felt proud of myself for making what felt like a healthier decision.
When I got home, I happily told my wife of my dilemma and how I decided to come home instead of working out. She responded with, “It would’ve been fine if you worked out.” I was derailed by her response because when I drove past the gym, I felt proud and good about the part of me that was giving up something I wanted for a greater good of being ready on time. My wife’s response did not validate the sense I had of myself. This connected me to decades of experiences of my internal sense not being validated growing up. Also, it blocked my feeling of feeling good about myself which was in short supply from the lack of attunement growing up. Something I thought was a big deal and difference was responded to by my wife as unnecessary and inconsequential. Without thought, I was emotionally hijacked, and my nervous system went into both fight/flight and shutdown. This involved raising my voice, explaining why and how my decision to come home was different than thousands of previous instances, going inward, and talking harshly to myself for needing my wife’s validation in the first place.
As mentioned earlier, the feelings this situation connected me to are feelings associated with countless times I was not responded to that would have felt good and satisfying growing up. My response of fight/flight and shutdown is the way I learned to respond when I had a feeling about something growing but was not helped with, understood, or allowed to share. Unable to sit with and tolerate the feelings I had, my nervous system learned to help and emotionally regulate me by getting angry, going inward and shutting down. I knew I was on my own with the need that wanted received in the first place and the feelings that resulted from the need being frustrated. I have come to know that response over decades of life and thousands of disappointing and mis-attuned interactions. It became known and internalized by me as a way of surviving and regulating my emotions; if I didn’t power up through irritability and anger, I’d be on my own to deal with the more vulnerable feelings of sadness, disappointment, and hurt.
My breakthrough that Saturday was that what I needed in that instance from my wife was what I needed from my dad when I was younger-help navigating and understanding my feelings and responses when I was misunderstood. Although difficult to do when I am in an emotionally flooded state, I needed my wife to try to cut through my protective fight/flight and shutdown response and get to and value the hurt feelings that preceded my survival response. I needed her to give me a new relational experience of emotional engagement, awareness, and availability. Eventually, that experience would become louder, more prominent, and anticipated than the neglect and protective responses that developed as a result.
The provision of new relational experiences is what happens in therapy. I identify behaviors, thoughts, and feelings people have gravitated to (perfectionism, caretaking, addictions, control, worrying, overthinking, reckless behavior, harsh criticism, suicidal thoughts) to regulate themselves when they lacked the internal ability to comfort themselves and their caregivers in their lives didn’t help them. Regardless of how good or neglectful one’s childhood was, we all leave childhood needing additional relational experiences. In therapy, I am curious with a person about what parts, needs, and experiences from earlier in life need related to and care for. This attunement strengthens the person with the emotional resources those parts needed earlier in life and causes less healthy protective survival behaviors, thoughts, and feelings to decrease and eventually fall away in the face of a relationally protected and emotionally held experience.
What younger parts of you need validated or cared for?