Most people are familiar with this psychological concept. Is who we are a result of our temperament and makeup or of the environment we grew up in. Starting in my 20s, I placed the emphasis on the latter, largely because I had a strong internal sense that my experience of life was profoundly and predominantly affected by deficits and realities in the nurture I received.

My parent’s marriage was contentious and unloving. From an early age, I regularly kneeled beside my mom at our kitchen table comforting and listening to her in her sadness and hurt related to something my dad had said or done. Her distress disrupted and scared me; she was the parent with whom I felt the safest and closest and while I didn’t realize it at the time, if she was okay, I was okay. If she was down and discouraged so was I. At the same time, if my dad was gruff or harsh with me, she was my shoulder to cry on. Without any choice or decision, I gravitated to comforting and helping my mom because that comforted me. At the same time and with the same unthought-through response, I came to fear and despise my dad. Afterall, he was the source of my mom’s sadness and hurt as well as my own and therefore, the cause of my emotional distress. In my 20s, I also realized my mom was not helpless to get help through therapy or other relationships to get strong enough to stand up to my dad’s emotionally distant, angry, and irritable ways. I also realized my view of my dad was significantly influenced by my mom’s complaining about and bad-mouthing of him. There were good things about him and he wasn’t all bad.

Because of how young we are when we gravitate to certain ways of feeling, thinking, and being, the protective roles these ways play in keeping us safe, and how these ways morph and get carried forward with us, it can be easy to mistake things that are the result of nurture as our nature. For instance, I often hear people say, “I’ve always been shy” or “I’ve always been angry” or “I’ve always had problems sleeping,” or “I’ve always been anxious.” I often respond with, “I wonder if you came into the world that way or were shaped in that way through many experiences over time. While these ways of being have a positive intention in keeping us emotionally safe and regulated, eventually they can get in the way and cause problems. Caretaking, being a harsh critic, overanalyzing, people-pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, worrying, striving, undue emphasis on appearance, controlling, overeating, sleep disturbance, procrastination, addictions, eating disorders, anger, anxiety, depression, reckless behavior, and self-harm can all feel like they are part of how we are made when they are largely how we have been shaped and ways we have gravitated to to stay emotionally safe and regulated in the environments we grew up in. While we are all a product of a combination of nature and nurture, those with histories of neglect and trauma can struggle for decades getting connected to their needs sufficiently so they feel securely attached and live fully.
The biggest thing that has opened my eyes to the place of nature has been my own work in therapy. Working through a lot of the effects of my upbringing and growing in my attachment has given me a greater ability to be aware of my temperament and how it impacts my life. Those who have grown up with healthier childhoods gain clarity about and acceptance of who they are as they grow and develop along the way. Their best energy is spent developing healthy relationships, discovering and developing their talents, interests, and hobbies, pursuing career interests, giving to and serving others, and enjoying life and the world around them. Those who come from backgrounds of neglect and trauma have to bring young and vulnerable parts of themselves into relationship through therapy to build a strong foundation from which to live and experience life.

How do you see nature and nurture in your life?