It recently came to me that the purpose of therapy is to help a person who is stuck in one of the protective states of the nervous system (NS) get unstuck. These two protective states are fight/flight (F/F) and shut down/collapse/frozen (SD). When a person is stuck in one of these states, they cannot move into the safe and social state (SS) of the NS where a person feels hopeful, is connected with others, creative, open to possibilities, and imaginative. They can’t experience their happy place or get to a place where life is good and they will be OK.

I was recently watching the Indianapolis Colts play the Denver Broncos. Colts running back Jonathan Taylor on the way to a 41-yard touchdown run let go of the ball before crossing the goal line. The ball went out of bounds, the Broncos took possession, and the Colts didn’t get the points for the touchdown. It was a terrible turn of events for the Colts. The sideline reporter commented that Taylor’s teammates were coming up to and encouraging him and Taylor was going up and down the sideline fist pumping his teammates and saying, “We will get it back.” The Colts players’ and Taylor’s response is an example of well-regulated nervous systems that, in the face of a discouraging moment, are able to bounce back and return to SS. The players’ internal capacity to respond this way and the mutual encouragement of one other helped them have hope.

Sometimes, because of one’s temperament, experiences, and emotional support, a person can get stuck in F/F or SD for decades with few moments when they are able to see the beauty, good, and positive of life. They are stuck in F/F and/or SD.

By taking in the connection and compassion of the therapist and by expressing self-compassion to the parts that have been neglected or traumatized, a person’s NS can either learn to release the extra energy that keeps them in F/F or internalize energy to take them out of SD. Once a person gets the part of them that was stuck unstuck, he or she will be able to handle the ups and downs of life in a normal way, meaning he or she will be able to calm and encourage himself in the face of a discouraging and disappointing experience or calm and soothe himself in the face of anxiety-producing moments. Both situations are examples of a NS that is well-regulated and able to move freely between the three states. In large part, when a person is able to live frequently in and return regularly to SS, the counseling process has done its work and a person can move on with a robust capacity to self soothe and regulate.

How does your NS recover from disappointing or anxiety-producing events?